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I have drunk alcohol in various places from 1990AD to 2002AD, until I gave up because the police started starting fights frequently, and always took advantage of my slowed relaxes, reduced coordination and good nature.
These ramblings are intended for people over 17 years of age. This is partly to do with comprehension and nothing to do with legality. The younger you are the smaller and more delicate, and the less well your body can deal with alcohol. It is generally dangerous for people under 14 to drink more than a few glasses of wine. I expect this also applies to the very old, but anybody in that category should be able to work that out by themselves.
Male people hit a mentally mature state around 25, female people around 18. This doesn't correlate with physical maturity or ability to cope with alcohol. Alcohol may also cause you to drop your guard and become nicer or more violent. If you are male you should be able to defend yourself or learn how to. If you are female you should travel with friends. If you work in law enforcement you should take a running jump.
Alcohol is one of the most dangerous drugs around by the number of people it kills, but that doesn't seem to deter people. The safest recreational drug is MDMA (Ecstasy). If all drinkers switched to Ecstasy, Leah Betts and a few dozen others would still have died but 50,000 drinkers a year wouldn't have. Orange juice kills more people in a year than Ecstasy. Most drug-related deaths are caused by taking impure forms that are sold because there is no quality control, because the drug is illegal, because the government doesn't get any tax from it. That doesn't mean you should take it, it just means you should think for yourself, and probably learn basic statistics. Vitamin C is many times more poisonous than table salt, but you would get very ill with none at all of either. You can get by without alcohol at all, but if you have ever taken cough mixture or eaten bread made with yeast, you have already taken alcohol. Pure alcohol is poisonous, but mixed with water (see below) it becomes harmless in small quantities. Nobody is allergic to alcohol, pure water, goat's milk, or pears, for some reason.
You should not drink for more than three days in a row. Many authorities say you should not drink for more than six days in a row, meaning small amounts, but in my experience this is too much and in others' experience can lead to alcoholism creeping up on you.
Alcohol is an addictive drug, and many people are addicted to it without realising it but not being alcoholic. If you regularly drink on weekends you can feel really rough trying to abstain for more than a month. If you do give up you will find that the craving gets worse and worse for 3-4 months, then just suddenly cut's out and the addiction is gone.
Alcoholism is different and much more dangerous. True alcoholics need several drinks a day just to function normally, and can typically go through a bottle of spirits Every Day without feeling particularly drunk. They are doing themselves serious damage though, and their health suffers. Alcoholism is very difficult to give up, fortunately I never got this.
Alcohol is a social drug meaning you feel better when others around you are drinking, preferably the same type(s) of drink(s), and it helps you talk, relax, and generally makes you feel happy and confident. With practice, you can also do this without the drink (so I hear).
If you have money you want to keep after a night out, leave that amount at home. What seems like a good idea when drinking may not be when sober again. Alcohol relaxes your body and mind, including your spending habits.
Make sure you are just-washed and have fresh clothes, but you knew that already, huh?
Rinse your eyes. Places where drinks are drunk are usually full of smoke, perfumes, and other mild irritants. These will latch onto your clothes and make you smell like a beermat in the morning. The alcohol will dehydrate you and your eyes and eyelids will be more likely to suffer if you don't wash them beforehand and afterwards.
Cold tap water is fine. If you blink and your eyes sting, then you're doing it right, as that is the old dirt dissolving. Repeat (once or twice) until they stop stinging.
Eat a sandwich or two incase you have to vomit. It will also cushion your system and slow down the rate at which alcohol is absorbed.
If you use white bread and a white filling (eg Horseradish) you can add bright dyes to surprise and/or revolt passers-by. (Use food dyes, which are non-toxic). The [harmless] luminous ones inside Rave Sticks work well, but make very sure you remove all the glass contents beforehand. Avoid red dyes, as these can be confused with vomiting blood, which is a serious warning sign. The white effect on it's own can be good, and look's like the scene from Aliens (2) where the artificial person is sliced in half.
Clean your teeth and tongue thoroughly to remove bad breath for kissing and any spare dye etc, and you're ready to go.
This splits into on the street, in the Pub, at the Club and at a party or friend's houses.
Recently Pubs and Nightclubs have merged in many towns into "Nightpubs". These are a cross between late-opening Pubs and rather naff Clubs, with a very small dance floor and guest DJs.
Drinks are very expensive in Nightclubs, fairly dear in Pubs, reasonable from Off Licences and very affordable in bulk from Supermarkets.
This means if you want to drink on a budget you have to plan ahead. I find it best to buy a litre of spirit and some economy fruit juice and/or lemonade a few days in advance, splitting the cost with friends if necessary.
Mix the spirits and juice at home, and store in plastic bottles clearly labelled with ingredients and strength. Shake well and chill in the fridge (the bottles, not you,) overnight.
It is best to aim for a target strength of between 5% and 20%, and leave some pure spirit to take along in the bottle aswell. On very hot summer nights, add crushed ice to the mixed-mixture bottles before you go out.
Calculating Units:
One Unit is one Centilitre of pure ethanol.
A 5%/Vol mix will have 5% ethanol
and 95% mixers, most of which will be water.
A 750ml bottle of
40% Whisky will have 75Cl @
40%/Vol.
40% expressed as a decimal percentage is 0.40 .
750ml is 75Cl. This gives 75Cl mix x 0.40 proportion =
30 Units.
There are 56.8 centilitres in a Pint, so half a pint of
6%/Vol Cider will give you 56.8/2 Cl x 0.06 prop = 28.4 x
0.06 U = 1.704U
Rounding to the nearest 0.1U, this comes to 1.7U
Mixes over 40% are unwise, over 80% are poisonous, and under 5% are pointless.
Some Vodkas are 45%, which left me feeling like I was sitting on a swing inside my own head.
The Monty Python team said American Beer was like making love in a canoe: F**king close to water.
If you're offered something under 5% take a soft drink instead. It'll taste better and get you drunk about as fast.
Most "Alcopops" are either fruit fermented in the same process
as beer is made, or a brand name spirit (eg Smirnoff, Bacardi) mixed down
with a brand name carbonated or still fruit or fruit-flavoured mixer (eg
Coca-Cola, Sprite) to, for some reason, 5.5%.
Since they are all 275ml (27.5Cl), this mean's they all contain
1½U, or 3 Units per pair, which shouldn't make it too hard to
keep a running total.
There is no discernible difference between a brand-name spirit or supermarket equivalent, apart from the price, where there is a massive difference. Even if you could tell the difference neat, you wouldn't be able to when it's mixed.
Meet up with your friends and drink half of the bottles whilst walking to the Pubs.
The fresh air and exercise is the most healthy way of consuming alcohol, so of course recent (UK) laws have made this illegal. Ignore this; it isn't easily enforceable, doesn't apply to the side-streets, and many more people die from drinking indoors than from sitting in a police Cell. In the unlikely event the police try to arrest you, down as much as possible beforehand: This will make the time pass faster and help you get to sleep: They can't hold you longer than 24 hours whatever they claim. (You should seek independent legal advice on this if you are worried.)
The police sometimes appear friendly and advise you "six or seven pints usually does it", "I wish I could get drunk tonight", etc. If so, get a taxi back or drink in another town: They're shopping for business and will try to pick you up immediately you try to make your way home.
Lock away the remaining bottles and the spirit in a secure bag, or stash it somewhere (make sure the police or other partygoers aren't watching these manoeuvres or the drink may "disappear").
Go to your favourite Pubs, start on soft drinks, 5%-range beer, lager or "Alcopops". Drink your first drink inside the Pub slowly, and wait for the effects of the outside drinking to "catch up". Then you'll know where you are and if you can tank up safely.
Remember not to throw up inside or near the Pub: This will cost the Pub for cleaning or reputation, and may get you banned. If you have to throw in the Pub toilets, do so in a toilet bowl and not the sink. Do not get out bottles or cans of your own inside the Pub unless you know the Landlord/Landlady very well and have asked permission beforehand. Pubs exist on profits from selling you drinks and using your own inside them is generally seen in the same light as stealing, and although it is not against their licences, it might as well be.
Try not to bring hard drugs or large animals into the Pubs. Some Hotels might let you get away with this if you are staying there and you invite the staff to any parties you hold in them. Remember hooves can scratch polished floors so make sure any horses etc have slippers. (If you're resourceful enough to get a horse into a hotel, you're resourceful enough to find soft equine footwear. You could tie rags around their feet or something.) Also note the weight of elephants, kangaroos, etc may make them fall through the floor and/or be too heavy for trampolines, though they'll usually fit in a swimming pool if the grounds are large enough and they are housetrained. Do not hide drugs in the animals as their perception of getting high is different and may cause a rampage. Do not let anybody have sex with the animals and try to stop the reverse also. If your party is not on the ground floor check before booking to make sure the Hotel has a freight elevator. Incase you are thinking any of this is unlikely or exaggerated, the examples in this paragraphs are all from questions I was asked during the preparation for a night at The **** Hotel in ********** during 1997AD (or was it '98, or, well sometime late 90's, anyway), questions largely asked by the Manageress. Oh, and in the interests of not distorting the facts, a pony was requested and not a horse, and the Hotel did not have any type of pool at that time.
Try to find out where the parties are in the Pubs, as it will almost
certainly be too nosily to do this in the Clubs.
Infact it is so loud in some Clubs that you and your friends learning
basic sign language can be a real boon. (And a head start if the music
damages your hearing, which it will certainly take the edge off, after
warning signs like loud ringing in the ears, despite what the Clubs claim
about "safe levels".)
Leave the Pubs before they close and about half an hour before the cheap rate of the Club Entries expire: The queues will be long and you can drink from your bottles in these queues.
Be aware at large groupings of drinkers, people may spike an unattended drink with laxatives, poisons, sedatives, tongue-dyes, curry-type irritants, hallucinogens, or cigarette butts. Or worse than any of those, they may drink it for you.
Try to drink any free Champagne/Cava before idiots start pouring it in the pool. Then again do not swim in pure Champagne as it makes you smell like a beermat immediately, although it may be easier to get licked this way (remember to make sure the animals have been pastured distantly at this point if this is your plan). Note it will be much cheaper to get someone to pour the Champagne over you instead. You may need a swim afterwards otherwise this will get sticky (the pouring, not the licking).
Cava is cheap sparkling white wine that some people try to pass off as Champagne. It has the same sort of effect as cheap lager. Proper Champagne has a nice aroma and the fizz get's you drunk faster, though it is rarely stronger than 8% and generally not worth the expense. I'm told it goes best with proper-takeaway Chips.
Don't ask me what people take animals to parties for: People take some very odd things to parties and sometimes I really don't want to know why. You just have to be aware this sort of thing may go on. They usually just end up being big mobile conversation-pieces or ways of attracting more people to the party. Signposts, parts of buildings, cars, traffic lights, Ladies of the Night, massage devices, locking devices and nude visitors in various states of confusion may also turn up in your party/room/body during later stages of the night and morning.
Once you have left the Pub you have to decide whether to go directly to the Party/Hotel or to a Club first. If there are no parties available and nobody abducts you a Club may be your only option.
Remember alcohol can cause sudden cramps when swimming in cold liquid, so always have a sober lifeguard (can be anybody) ready to fish people out if they seize up. If someone jokes by going underwater, fish them out anyway: You can't be too cautious mixing alcohol with water outside the body, and delay can be very bad. Better silly than deadly.
To get into a party, either go with people who are known to the Host and make friends with them beforehand, eg by sharing your remaining stocks of drink with them, or/and turn up on the door with your bottle of spirits and an additional bottle or can each and ask to Gatecrash. Parties need a crowd and cheap drink and are almost universally welcoming of this. (Note: This usually doesn't work with ticketed events which are a different animal, and you would have to make friends with the Host some days or weeks beforehand to get on the guestlist for them.)
If the police turn up at a party with some outrageously self-contradictory statement like "we're not here to stop people enjoying themselves", they will probably ask you to turn down the music because of the neighbours, get off private land, or disperse because it's an illegal gathering.
The illegal gathering is nonsense and something to do with tax. They mean they think it is a paid event. If it is, you will already know how to deal with this, if not ignore them and refuse entry.
If you are on your own property, or others' with their blessing, the police are lying about the trespass. Point out they are trespassing instead, and they should go away.
If they ask you to consider the neighbours and there are no neighbours, they're just mucking around. Shut the door, or follow this recognised procedure: Put out your right arm, hand and back facing outwards. Point index and middle fingers upwards. Raise and lower arm slowly. You cannot be arrested for this on private property, and the police richly deserve a reaction of that kind.
If there are neighbours, they may just be annoyed that they haven't been invited first. Invite them next time. Try to remember not to urinate in their gardens; that's what police cars are for (Joke! It's a joke. Jesz).
If you aren't in bed by three in the morning, go home.
The hangover hits eight hours after you start drinking, due to the way the liver gets rid of the alcohol. (It doesn't nip out down the river like you might think at the time). This will happen regardless of whether you carry on drinking or not. If you do vomit for whatever reason, get it over quickly and take advantage of the great feeling immediately afterward by rinsing your mouth out and lying down somewhere quiet and comfy: The feeling may not last. If you still feel okay after five minutes or so you can carry on partying with little worry. If you're like me you'll carry on drinking as well, but this is probably not a good idea. Because of this you should leave it as late as practicable before starting drinking, bearing in mind budgetary and other practical considerations.
Before going to sleep (if on your own) try to drink a pint of water. Drink
a pint when you wake up also. You might be fortunate enough to sleep through
a hangover, which is the best cure. If you have to be awake take paracetamol
and antacid, try to stay in the dark and move as little as possible. Avoid
noise and practical jokers. If you are still suffering 24 hours later,
you may be poisoned or have caught something and you should seek medical
attention. If you have not drunk for a month or more before getting
plastered, you may escape with no hangover at all. If you start getting
really bad hangovers in a row, you should abstain for a month, or your liver
may abstain from you. If your hands shake in the morning and a drink stops
this you may be becoming alcoholic and you should seek medical attention.
If you are unlucky you will not remember the most exciting
parts of the evening the morning after. If you are very unlucky you will.
